I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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