I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
