my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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