I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
