Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
