It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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