Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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