Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?