the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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