Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
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By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
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I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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