I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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