Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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