She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
