the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
how drunk are you?
Several
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
