I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
