the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
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it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
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For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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