you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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