filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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