Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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