I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
