Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
