she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
