A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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