You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
