Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
