Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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