So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
