why didn't you poke me back
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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