you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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