Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
