Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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