If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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