theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
