hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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