I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
