Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
