When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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