Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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