I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
