there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
