dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Boobs speak an international language.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
