I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Randomize
