toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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