bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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