I'm drive I can fine osifer
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
