You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
