is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
