I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I can't turn off my feet"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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