You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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