I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
