he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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