I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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