dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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