you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
