Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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