My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
