How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just crazy horny about you
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Let's get the cat blown out
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
